Saturday, July 31, 2010
One has counted down with you to this the 99th post, being one day short of the Anniversary of the Advent of Malignance or "Malignopalooza" as the partying takes over. It's been a full year, and in these last two posts, one wanted to review the state of Villainy today, and tomorrow reflect on a Year of Evil in the Lord Malignance organization.
The State of Villiany Today
Villainy excels and develops as talented people are drawn to contribute and innovate the nature of Villainy within our collaboration, and without in the greater world of Evil. Ruthless democracies afford each Villain a voice, while their stature within the collaboration being based in no small part on their talents, audacity, backstabbing, ambition, brilliance, ruthlessness, and cruelty. Villainy creates, and inspires, challenges, and influences. Villains conquer their world, and celebrate the rewards for their efforts and the efforts of others.
An Evil Democratic Meritocracy.
Villainy as we know it today, started for many people individually as the morally uninhibited found within themselves the yearning to be more than merely drones in society. Some Villains found Real Life Superheroes flawed, amusing, and insignificant distractions. Others (ones own self included) despised an ArchNemesis from afar, and plotted their downfall.
In the Earliest days of Villainy, there were the Myths. Legends Villains still speak of in awe; Professor James Moriarty. Dr. Julius No. Benedict Arnold. Macbeth. Marcus Junius Brutus, Captain Hook. Captain Nemo. Dr. Zachary Smith. Lex Luthor. Evil Spock. Thomas Jefferson. Gaius Baltar, and Doctor Doom, to name just a few. Villains of legendary versatility who served society (and themselves) tirelessly for the betterment of society.
Before 2008, the first Modern Villain Doctor Steel stepped out of the Lair, and established Villainy as a viable, real world occupation to pursue with all the zeal and determination you might apply to hobbies, religions, or military service. When the world is ruled by Villains, Dr. Steel will be recognized on some of the new money.
In 2008, Joss Whedon's Magnum Opus, his tribute to Villains "Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog" was unveiled, and codified for many brilliant attractive people, a better world, free from the uncertainties of ego driven superheroes. It postulated a better world - one ruled by Villains.
On May 15th 2009, on the IO9 blog, a write up appeared to draw those interested to the Potentate's creation "R.O.A.C.H." . Here was a forward thinking organization seeking the assistance of Villains in plans to rule no less than the very world itself. There was organization, ambition, vision, ruthlessness, and cruelty. Everything a Villain might find attractive in an organization. Because of the talent of the creation, and the charisma of the leader - his Dire Smokiness the Potentate, R.O.A.C.H. grew by leaps and bounds as many talented people found Villainy desireable, and many Villains sought collaboration.
Pulling, pushing, directing, and leading the growth of R.O.A.C.H. was the Potentate's devious and talented SuperVillain, the White Skull. Villainy was a Wild West at that time, and Evil cast about seeking our voice. Should Villainy consider forming an intellectual think tank? Why doesn't anyone point out the many dangers of constumed superhero weirdos roaming the streets armed with home made weapons looking to street brawl with people their delusions lead them to believe are "evil doers"? Should Evil shoulder this responsibility and make known the concerns of rational, law abiding citizens? Can Villainy sustain itself by making sport of these poor animals, and would that (though entirely entertaining in its own right) be sufficient? Can Villainy do a better, smarter job of helping people than heroes? Can we reap a heap of cash somehow?
Later in 2009 on YouTube a talented Villain named Sword Kane, who had made a strong reputation for himself by punishing without mercy the manchild Tothian (Leader of the RLSH), started the now famous "Sword Kane's SuperVillain Challenge". More Villains emerged, and collaborated, and though no official winner was ever declared (it was Lord Malignance), the scope of Villainy expanded farther than ever before.
This was the Bronze Age of Villainy: Crimson Nematode, Agent Beryllium, The Unknowable Villain with a Crescent Head**, White Skull, Black Sun, Exit Nero, Dr. Overkill, Baghead, Sword Kane, Scarlet Fool, and Octavius Fong, Leader of the Roaming Eye of Doom. While at this time other Villains worked their sinister machinations, unknown to others in the World of Evil; Computer King, Overlord, Lord Barren, Malvevolent Shadow, Tiny Terror, Desdinova, Dr. Steel, Chip Overclock, and others.
Now, in this Silver Age of Villainy, a broader Spectrum of Evil has grown strong, wherein before we had Villains seeking leadership, we now have Villains who Are leaders. Strong survivors winnowed from the mighty ranks of Evil, driven by dark ambitions to achieve their goals. Superstars of Evil, and Future Rulers in their own rights have come together in Villainy; Potentate. Agent Beryllium. Aluminum Chef. Computer King. Overlord. Poop Knife. Virus. Lavender Leopard, and Lord Malignance. We stand today on the brink of laying the groundwork for the Golden Age of Villainy, when all our desires may be fulfilled.
And ones ArchNemesis Phantom Zero is driven into retirement.
One imagines one sees the gleam in your eye now: You see the possibility to shape the world to your vision. Embrace your Evil and be known as no less than what you were destined to be.
Happy Malignopalooza (tomorrow - no fair getting started early),
Adventures of an insane megalomaniac/gifted eccentric: One was about purchasing cognac for the Malignopalooza, and as you may imagine, shopping is not easy for Lord Malignance. For example if you shout at people, scream "Crouch!" too many times, and refer to employees as "Lackeys", you often times will be ejected from the shopping establishment. One found out cognac is now the preferred drink of rappers. One isn't sure if this is pleasant news. On the one hand, ones taste is back in fashion. On the other hand, ones eccentricities are now "gangsta".
**Out of respect for the Villain, one acknowledges his contributions and leaves nebulous his specific details as would be his wish.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Last two posts before Blog Post One Hundred and Malignopalooza, an upcoming day of raucous celebrations, devious betrayals, sinister plotting, drinking, and Crouching! As these selfsame crouching skills of yours have developed prodigiously over time, one calls upon you now to demonstrate them for an adventure one calls;
Storytime with Lord Malignance
Once upon a time, in a far away land of green there were three friends and partners - Zalesman, Thundercat, and Operative Zero. These three were all good friends, traveling together from one place to another. They and others like them who liked to pretend to be Costumed Rodeo Clowns were members of a group called the Awesome Buddies! Though Thundercat and Zalesman were hetero life partners, they loved their Awesome Buddy partner Operative Zero, and invited him into their home many times. Together they shared many secrets, and many details of their private lives.
Zalesman's many Costumed Rodeo Clown adventures often times called on him to call the police on scofflaws, and made him unpopular with the criminal element around where he Rodeo Clowned. Zalesman also however, was never very careful with protecting his secret identity, and often to the contrary, used his Costumed Rodeo Clown abilities to make himself as famous as he could by video posting his adventures "The Awesome Buddy Adventures of Zalesman"! Anyone with a computer and access to the Internet could watch and view these episodes - even the scofflaws who Zalesman harrassed.
One day, Zalesman found out that his partner and Costumed Rodeo Clown Awesome Buddy, Operative Zero, was purchasing from dangerous criminals the addictive drug called Quix. This drug was very illegal, and destroyed many lives every year, but Operative Zero was addicted - what could he do? Zalesman knew his partner had a problem, and tried to help him as best he could. But Zalesman was concerned - Operative Zero's secret could impact sponserships of Zalesman's product - "The Awesome Buddy Adventures of Zalesman"!
For Zalesman knew the First Rule of Zetacquisition; "Don't Harsh My Fame!".
Later on, misfortune found Zalesman, and this embarrassed him, and threatened to Harsh his Fame. Some scofflaw(s?) had dug a big hole in his lawn in front of his house, and left a note saying that it was done by a much smarter group of Concerned Citizens, called the "Cool People". The note even had the Cool People logo, which was available to anyone with access to a computer and printer with an Internet connection. Now Zalesman would never admit it, but he wanted to be one of the Cool People, but they wouldn't have him. Because they said, he looked like a Hollywood Hairdresser.
Then inspiration struck! Zalesman would claim he was an innocent victim, and sell the idea that the Cool People actually did dig the hole in his lawn! The police were called, but no proof could be found to support his story, but that would never stop him from trying to sell it! Zalesman used his Costumed Rodeo Clown talents to sell his story to everyone he met in the Awesome Buddies 24 Hour Chatline. Soon Zalesman had backwards Awesome Buddies agreeing with him, and Zalesman felt the Harsh coming off his Fame.
One day Zalesman was selling his story outside of the Awesome Buddies 24 Hour Chatline when the mighty "Ruler Malicious" heard him, and pointed out;
"The scofflaw criminal associates of your partner Operative Zero are much more likely to know your location, how to find and identify your lawn, and when to dig a hole at a time you would be most vulnerable. They also have a reason to do this, for your harrassment of them frequently in the past. They have the means, the motive, and opportunity - the prima facie necessary."
But Zalesman would have none of it. He could feel his Fame being Harshed, and his reputation as a Costumed Rodeo Clown would be ruined if anyone spent a moment and looked at the facts. For if the criminal associates of his criminal associate Operative Zero would sell Quix to children, they would certainly be capable of digging a big hole in his front lawn. No - he would rather sell the ridiculous idea that Cool People from out of state would conspire, and research, and monitor, travel to, and surveil his house, in order to find an opportunity to dig a hole in his lawn - because Zalesman was Awesome Buddy Famous! Anyone who would point out that if he surrounds himself with criminals, and then annoys them they will retaliate against him, would find themselves banned from the Awesome Buddy 24 Hour Chatline.
And so it came to pass that Ruler Malicious harshed Zalesman's fame, and Zalesman was very sad, for the Second Rule of Zetacquisition states; "If People Talk about your Harshed Fame, and you can't Ban them from the Awesome Buddy 24 Hour Chatline, the Harsh of your Fame will Grow".
Then Ruler Malicious gloated ever after.
Movie Rights! One will negotiate movie rights with appropriate Hollywood representatives. You may contact one at the Lair henceforth and prepare to crouch!
Friday, July 23, 2010
Some finds today, to start your early celebrations for the Blog Post #100, which is only three short posts away. May your Malignopalooza be as unwholesome as ones will be. "Let's Wreck this Place! Whooo!"
"Villains Rule, and heroes suck."
One blames superheroes.
First: As you may not be fully capable of surviving so Villainous an experience, you must exert control over your natural desire to rule. That is, unless you've been following the Overlord's 30 Days of Evil, and have turned yourself into a Hard, Lean, Evil Mastermind. You may already BE a superVillain, and then of course you were born ready. If either of these apply to you, then of course you are prepared.
Second: There Will be drinking. There Must be drinking, but not this cosmopolitan drinking of the timid sheep you find in upscale bars, or the beer-swilling, belt-widening guzzling of downscale "joints". No, for Malignopalooza you must drink like a god! Beverages may vary, but goblets, tankards, Norse drinking horns, or widebodied glasses are a must. While drinking the heady elixir of your choice, pause for a moment, and look out a large window, and between contemplative draughts, think to yourself "All this world, within my grasp!"
Third: Attempt to comprehend the awesome scope and power of your Evil. Feel your Evil reach out into the darkness and touch the Evil of others, for this shared malevolence binds the world together in the darkness of Villainy. No pity for the heroes! They never should have dared exist before our might!
Wishing your Malignopalooza be as dark and rewarding as ones own,
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Special Note:If you haven't been following Overlord's "30 Days of Evil" (and you really should, because it is amazing), she has just turned the two-thirds mark, and is heading into the home stretch of the last 10 days. Please, please, (or "One Commands it!", whichever works for you) do stop by and congratulate her on her success so far, and celebrate the accomplishment as she brings it home. Your comments are welcome, and she answers your posts with clever wit and insight.
Only You can make ones dreams come true. Vote for the M-Party, and donate all your money today!
And on the subject of enslaving all humanity under ones merciless rule - no word yet from the Pepsi Refresh Project for "Instrument of Evil - Codename: Cello". Of course the anonymous MPhone was held by the Diabolical Madame X, who may have been monitoring ones calls. Minion training is a slow arduous process...
Yet One More Special Note:
Four more posts to go until Blog Post #100. Mac and your crowd, you may begin the partying soon, and one actually wishes to see you come out with T-Shirts. One may deign to purchase one (though to earn ones favor, you really should send a box to the Lair, pro bono (and of course by "pro bono" one means "pro malus") .
If Evil keeps winning, and the heroes keep losing, why don't they just give up?
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
One doesn't know where you the readers live, but here in the Colorado Holdfast, the temperatures have been growing quite warm as Summer settles in. This morning, the Lair's upper level temperature guage read 87 degrees - at 0800! Comrade Cocoa and oneself do not do well in extreme heat, and so it goes without saying that any heroes in Arizona will probably be safe from my terrible, terrible wrath.
That however, is not to say the influence of Villainy does not grow and extend throughout all the world. We see in the movie theatres at present, the Villainous Movie "Despicable Me" thoroughly trouncing the box office expectations, and more and more people are finding Villainy the superior course by which to chart their lives by. Has this been exclusively due to ones own influence? No, but you flatter me none the less by thinking so. No, Villainy is vast and ruthless, merciless and awe inspiring.
While one has been basking (because the Lair it seems is a Microwave) in this joy, another article has been brought to ones attention. Though Kick Ass was quite naturally doomed to be a failure because its subject matter was heroes, the creator, seeing the vast scope of Villainy's influence has indicated that he will next time improve by focusing on Villains.
“Through success [he’s] inspired other people, and what the heroes do is form gangs,” the comic writer reveals. “It’s a bunch of people in masks looking at each other’s Facebooks and going out and fighting each other. Like a massive fight in Time Square with hundreds of superheroes and hundreds of supervillains, and the police trying to break it all up.”So does sequel mean darker? Sort of. “I think I’m actually just trying to do the flip side of it, because the first one was all about becoming a hero. And the second one really is about becoming a villain,” Millar says.“It probably is darker because it’s exploring the villains a little bit more like this, you’ve got Red Mist who’s become like Alex in Clockwork Orange. So he’s a bit Heath Ledger’s Joker, a bit of all the bad guys I’ve ever loved in movies. So yeah I suppose it is darker, but I think a big part of Kick-Ass is the jokes, so it’s still funny.”
Hero gangs on Facebook, undoubtably being humiliated before the world in Times Square. If you ever wanted to know why Evil consistently triumphs over the inconsequential feebleness of good, it is because Evil is cooler.
And wouldn't cooler, be exactly what you really want to be, when the Summer heat settles in?
Can you even doubt, that Dr. Horrible 2 is inevitable?
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Today one is catching up on Business, and if you know Evil, you know that business is good.
And of course by "good" one means "Evil".
Firstly, if you wanted to develop your own Evil, or just brush up on your existing Evil, it is unlikely you will find a better resource than that currently being provided by the Overlord. You can find her astonishing work here. Enjoy, and grow more powerful!
Really inspiring work.
Lest your knees grow weak crouching before Lord Malignance alone, you can also find pioneering work in Evil from the Computer King and his Podcasts. Podcasts!
Update on Instrument of Evil; Codename: Cello. It's been submitted, and the Pepsi people are not yet crouching. Bah! Apparently, one is competing with the whole world (as if this isn't always the case). They WILL Crouch! (and hopefully pick ones project).
Evil Conference at the Denver International Airport today. If anyone asks, the Baron of Kansas* owes Lord Malignance for driving Nix out of his state. Shhh - spread the word.
Malignomobile actually moved - to the end of the compound border! It still needs insurance, which for some reason involving cars and megalomaniacs is prohibitively expensive. One day, it will roll off the property...
Why is ones Colorado Holdfast so much more Evil than other states? Two reasons come readily to mind after the recent holiday;
- 1) Buffalo/Bison. Coloradoans love them some Buffalo. We keep them in zoos, not to keep the people safe from them, but to keep them safe from people. Oh, like most prarie/mountain states (hah!) we'll eat most any game (that's "critter" to you Easterners), but Buffalo holds a special desirability here. Sometimes at night in summertime, roaming packs of people run into the night barefoot, looking for sleeping Buffalos to descend on and devour. Canada has Wendigo, the Northwest has Bigfoot, Florida has the Oldest Lostboy, but Colorado? We have, well, Coloradoans.
- And no Buffalo is safe.
- 2) Fourth of July. One isn't sure if it is the fact that one is actually warring with all neighbors of ones Lair or not, but noticied that a neighbor shot bottle rockets and other annoyances at the Lair from 10am to about 11pm. Good Gravy, what was the economic output for that barrage? Who spends 10K on fireworks?! What other state would that even seem normal in? This is undoubtably retaliation for something one has unleashed on his compound. Probably.
- Later, as the night develops, and the drinking escalates, off in the far distances, you can always hear the mountain folk, firing off their guns. "Mountain Folk" is not a quaint phrase here - they're real and apparently much better armed than either yourself or oneself. They don't have beards anymore though. That apparently went out of fashion with mining. Nowadays the land is so valuable, the Moutain Folk all look like rich Hollywood outcasts, and dwell in palatial estates. Ok, that was Lair envy.
This is Post #6 of a countdown to Post #100, which should hopefully occur somewhere near the one year anniversary of this Blog. And who says Lord Malignance doesn't Plan? And Plot? And Scheme? That's right Baron of Kansas - you benchwarmer.
Villainous Survey Question: If a blog offered a link to a Laser that could hurt people, and the blog author suggested ways that it could be used to torture/kill people, that would be bad, correct? So, IF there were any superheroes following that blog publicly - putting their name/face and reputation up as visually endorsing such content, that too would be bad? Just checking, because one believes the Zalesman needs a Villainous email to point this out to him.
(Full Disclosure: One actually does work to see the downfall of all Superheroes.)
Suggestion on using your Evil: Whenever you get junk mail from Phishers, use your Villainy, and ruin their day. One has enjoyed corresponding with a royal prince from, you guessed it, Africa, who would gladly send me 50Million dollars, if only one would send him a paltry sum, needed to process the paperwork. Ones reply? "Why, with my 50Billion Dollar International Empire I would be Glad to help you! But first, for the accountants you understand, I need to verify some of your information..."
Does Agent Beryllium have the best looking Blog, or is one wrong? Where is this talent coming from? (and can one steal it for ones own Evil purposes!)
One has been struggling with a helmet upgrade. When you look at the Mighty Countenence of Lord Malignance, you undoubtably know only fear. This is to be expected! But if you look at the design components, it is not only the eyes, and the nose/mouth, but also cheekbones and forehead. Designs to incorporate these have been trying. Still, while one fails, a Hero triumphs.
Curses! Foiled again.
* Not This Baron of Kansas.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
After recently having donated the corpse of Bud the Giant Rat to a local college for study, one received a postal letter from Bob, w/a postmark from Mexico. My minion was in Juarez Mexico, and had asked for his rats to be taken to him. Not suprisingly by the way, the border would not let one cross into Mexico with the remaining few, but Bob was able to cross over to El Paso Texas to the hotel and collect them. Mind you, Bob is a homeless man in a black robe who has no ID at all, and manages to cross the border without a seeming problem. Ones influence outside of the Holdfast is remarkably limited.
Anyway, like all of Bob's papers, it had to be burned shortly after receiving it. He draws with a masters hand, and likes to fill the margins of text with pictures of disturbing anatomical accuracy - thus the necessary burning. He wrote of the people and the crime especially, summing it up succinctly as "Nu Law". If you were to hear it, you would think "New Law" - and conclude, he meant "the Law of Los Zetas" the predominant Narco Gang in the country. But no, in Bob's case, "Nu" means "No", as in "No Law".
This leads to an understanding of my minions departure as one found out when meeting Bob in Mexico. Juarez is just over the border of Texas, and IS a dangerous place, like any large city, and is also the most dangerous city in North America. If you don't wander into meeting the wrong people, or into the wrong activities, or wander around in emply places, it can be very dangerous. Fortunately, one did none of these things, and had a relatively worry free visit. One was monitored by either the Federales, a member of the Juarez Cartel, or by a member of Los Zetas. There was no uniform, and it might have been a coincidence. Still, one waited until the restaurant closed, and this person stayed the entire time one did. Bob would show up outside as soon as one exited. Bob had become worried about his becoming too comfortable in one place for too long, and had decided to move on from ones service for his continued safety.
Funny story about Bob: Bob didn't like vegetables or herbs that grew underground. Once one asked him about this, and Bob had replied that "What belong in ground, stay in ground." and then he would make a patting gesture. Which is hilarious coming from Bob. When he would pick up any seeds he saw, he would always bury them on the compound, and this was probably an impetus to his night gardening. Bob ultimately is an alchemical person, living in the technological world. In his mind, everything was made up of fire, air, water, earth, or some combination of these. Seeds were of the ground and belonged in the the ground.
Bob let me know that he will remain ones loyal minion, however seeing as how he will be without address, phone, access to a computer, and without money, he probably won't be seen for some time, if ever. Who knows though?
For the record, for even more humor, Bob doesn't speak Spanish either. He speaks a kind of slavic Latin, which has some similarities to Spanish - more than English. For example, Bob says "Da" for "Yes" which is "Si" in Spanish. "Nu" for "No" which is the same in Spanish.
You'll be missed Bob, and one wishes you well in your future. Attempt to control your baser instincts, or you will certainly attract the attention you wish to avoid.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Greetings and Lamentations, I AM Lord Malignance, and you WILL crouch before me now! (Villains excepted, of course).
Last March, as is ones policy, an accounting of my Colorado Holdfast was done. This typically involves traveling throughout the state of Colorado and determining the lengths and depths of my influence. It was at this time, that my trusted Servant and Senenschal (though he preferred “Stolnic”) Bob the Minion decided that he would wander off in some gypsyesque walkabout. Up until just this week, one had no idea where Bob the Minion had gotten off to, and that mystery has since been solved.
Bob the Minion came to serve one quite a few years ago, and had been trading service for room and board. His old world understandings of the customs of Hospitality and Domain made him if nothing else, a very valuable security system, and he really took up very little space.
Bob, or “Graf”, was quartered in a closet, kept a menagerie of rats in the sub basement, wore a black robe, and had numerous peculiar behaviors. A few included;
1) He talked to his rats, and named them all beautiful names. Except Bud the giant rat.
2) He had conditional Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. This would present itself if certain conditions were met to his triggers. Bob had to pick up any seeds he found. Even if this meant hours on hands and knees. He had to untie any knots or tangles he saw, often leaving strings in parallel lines when untangled. Phone cords were never tangled around the lair, and all electronic cables had to be bound in cladding to keep his fingers from unplugging everything.
3) Bob pretty much was a night dweller, mostly avoiding oneself entirely by sleeping during the day, and creeping around at night. He did complete most tasks assigned to him, but was clumsy and sometimes noisy.
4) If you ever meet Bob, his is a distinctive appearance. He is very, very pale. Often times, people remark that this is the sign of someone who has been in prison for some time. He has unruly red hair, and the worst teeth you have ever seen. Quite as if he has been eating rocks. Snaggly, brown, broken crooked things.
5) Bob would only wear his black man dress (you can see it in previous pictures). You could get them to the wash, only if he had alternate versions of about the same clothes. Bob himself, usually smelled bad, but not like clear the room bad. Just “off”.
6) He said he had been in Colorado since the 1980s having come here from Idaho, and yet, did not have a firm command of English. Despite this, he liked to talk. Bob was often maudlin, and despondent, but not a depressed personality. Bob could swear! Terrible, terrible curses, but mostly in that Slavic mumbly language he used.
7) Bob never had any form of ID, and could place most of his possessions (except for the rats) into a worn satchel. He never had any money, or seemed to have any need for it.
8) Recently one found out that he was quite proficient at “night gardening”.
9) Bob never understood television. Not at all. Not just the content displayed, but the “idea” of television escaped him.
10) One feels certain, that Bob knew more about the black arts than Master Legend and Foxfire will ever know.
11) Bob really did pronounce "V"s as "W"s and vice versa. He would go into a tirade whenever beautiful "wampires" were shown in pictures, or in books. He had various reactions to vegetables, including turnips, ranging from displeasure, to panic attacks.
12) It wasn’t all fun and humor with Bob though. He could also be very cruel – to people and animals especially. His fury was truly frightening, and when observed was terrible to see. He would never direct it at oneself, for as master of domain, he referred to me as Lord - part of where ones name originated. His conceptions of hospitality gave one carte blanche from his wrath. Bob would do many malicious things to animals and people that would just seem heartlessly unnecessary. These acts were always exceedingly excessive and barbaric. Beyond anything you could ever want to imagine.
So, after four months, where did my minion get off to? To Europe to the Roma? To New Orleans to practice Voodoo?
He’s gone to live in Juarez, Mexico, and earlier this week, one received a letter in the post from him...
Continued in Part 2.