West Seattle Super Villain Group Claims Responsibility For Phoenix Jones Arrest

Written by DCLocalOct 12, 2011

WEST SEATTLE, Washington, October 12, 2011 (WSFB) – A Russian super villain group based in West Seattle has claimed responsibility for the arrest of famous Seattle crime fighting super hero Phoenix Jones. Jones was arrested by Seattle Police early Sunday morning in Pioneer Square after being attacked by a group of Russian Super Villains.

“Let this message be clear to all the citizens of Seattle. Evil is going to triumph. Your faith in super heroes like Phoenix Jones to protect you from crime and corruption is misplaced. The super heroes of the Seattle are powerless against the might of the Glasnost be Damned super villain group. We control the Seattle Police. We control Seattle City Light. And we control the Seattle DOT.” Glasnost be Damned leader Vladimir Kalashnikov, who goes by the super villain name “Captain Chernobyl” said with a deep menacing voice during an interview at Tully’s Coffee on Alki Beach. “But we do not control King County Metro,” he added somewhat sheepishly, “So please make sure people know not to complain to us about that.”

Kalashnikov said that last weekend’s capture and arrest of Jones, code named “Operation Spray Back” was carefully planned out over the past several months and meticulously orchestrated by Glasnost be Damn, also known as GdB, in conjunction with other Russian groups. He said that in addition to fielding 12 Russian super villians dressed in Russian clothing so as not to arouse suspicion, the group also brought in several Russian dancers, racecar drivers, and stuntmen to pull off the daring act.

“The technological and logistical sophistication of GdB allowed us to lure the unwitting Phoenix Jones into our elaborate trap.” Kalashnikov continued. He said that the group had several Russian Stuntmen stage a carefully choreographed fight scene consistent with Russian brawling tactics, namely four blonde stuntmen giving the boot to another blonde stuntman who was down on the ground covered with fake blood, knowing that Phoenix Jones couldn’t help but run to the rescue. Once Jones dispersed the group and stopped the assault, the stuntmen quickly withdrew and were replaced by a Russian dance troupe who quickly began dancing the traditional Russian Kozachok dance, Kalashnikov said. The Kozacok, better known as the Cossack or That-Russian-Squat-Leg-Kick-Thing in the United States, is a source of National pride for many Russians.

The Russian super villain group GdB was established in 1997 according to their website. The group’s secret hide out is rumored to be located in the 7300 block of Beach Drive, although there are many unconfirmed reports that the group has an elaborate underground compound located beneath Lincoln Park. The group has previously claimed credit for orchestrating the WTO riots in 1999 and the Mardi Gras riots in 2001. GdB disavows any involvement in the 6.8-magnitude earthquake that struck the Northwest in 2001 and called speculation that the quake was the result of the group performing underground explosive testing, “Crazy Talk.”

When asked about what’s next for the group, Kalashinikov chuckled menacingly saying he couldn’t disclose all his plans, although he hinted that they may be working on something involving the Viaduct, the Tunnel, and the “complete and total devastation the Seattle waterfront from Sodo to Belltown.” When asked if his group had any comment on the large number of Russian workers seen in the area of West Seattle known as “the hole”, Kalashnikov simple smiled and said, “Not just yet.” before laughing maniacally over his latte.

Shameless Screen Grab courtesy of West Seattle FunBlog

(It's "Funblog" for a reason).