Where in the World is Bob the Minion: Part 1

Greetings and Lamentations, I AM Lord Malignance, and you WILL crouch before me now! (Villains excepted, of course).

Last March, as is ones policy, an accounting of my Colorado Holdfast was done. This typically involves traveling throughout the state of Colorado and determining the lengths and depths of my influence. It was at this time, that my trusted Servant and Senenschal (though he preferred “Stolnic”) Bob the Minion decided that he would wander off in some gypsyesque walkabout. Up until just this week, one had no idea where Bob the Minion had gotten off to, and that mystery has since been solved.

Bob the Minion came to serve one quite a few years ago, and had been trading service for room and board. His old world understandings of the customs of Hospitality and Domain made him if nothing else, a very valuable security system, and he really took up very little space.

Bob, or “Graf”, was quartered in a closet, kept a menagerie of rats in the sub basement, wore a black robe, and had numerous peculiar behaviors. A few included;

1) He talked to his rats, and named them all beautiful names. Except Bud the giant rat.

2) He had conditional Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. This would present itself if certain conditions were met to his triggers. Bob had to pick up any seeds he found. Even if this meant hours on hands and knees. He had to untie any knots or tangles he saw, often leaving strings in parallel lines when untangled. Phone cords were never tangled around the lair, and all electronic cables had to be bound in cladding to keep his fingers from unplugging everything.

3) Bob pretty much was a night dweller, mostly avoiding oneself entirely by sleeping during the day, and creeping around at night. He did complete most tasks assigned to him, but was clumsy and sometimes noisy.

4) If you ever meet Bob, his is a distinctive appearance. He is very, very pale. Often times, people remark that this is the sign of someone who has been in prison for some time. He has unruly red hair, and the worst teeth you have ever seen. Quite as if he has been eating rocks. Snaggly, brown, broken crooked things.

5) Bob would only wear his black man dress (you can see it in previous pictures). You could get them to the wash, only if he had alternate versions of about the same clothes. Bob himself, usually smelled bad, but not like clear the room bad. Just “off”.

6) He said he had been in Colorado since the 1980s having come here from Idaho, and yet, did not have a firm command of English. Despite this, he liked to talk. Bob was often maudlin, and despondent, but not a depressed personality. Bob could swear! Terrible, terrible curses, but mostly in that Slavic mumbly language he used.

7) Bob never had any form of ID, and could place most of his possessions (except for the rats) into a worn satchel. He never had any money, or seemed to have any need for it.

8) Recently one found out that he was quite proficient at “night gardening”.

9) Bob never understood television. Not at all. Not just the content displayed, but the “idea” of television escaped him.

10) One feels certain, that Bob knew more about the black arts than Master Legend and Foxfire will ever know.

11) Bob really did pronounce "V"s as "W"s and vice versa. He would go into a tirade whenever beautiful "wampires" were shown in pictures, or in books. He had various reactions to vegetables, including turnips, ranging from displeasure, to panic attacks.

12) It wasn’t all fun and humor with Bob though. He could also be very cruel – to people and animals especially. His fury was truly frightening, and when observed was terrible to see. He would never direct it at oneself, for as master of domain, he referred to me as Lord - part of where ones name originated. His conceptions of hospitality gave one carte blanche from his wrath. Bob would do many malicious things to animals and people that would just seem heartlessly unnecessary. These acts were always exceedingly excessive and barbaric. Beyond anything you could ever want to imagine.

So, after four months, where did my minion get off to? To Europe to the Roma? To New Orleans to practice Voodoo?

He’s gone to live in Juarez, Mexico, and earlier this week, one received a letter in the post from him...

Continued in Part 2.