Thursday, August 19, 2010
Greetings and Lamentations, I AM Lord Malignance, and you WILL crouch before me now! (Villains excepted, of course).
One has spoken previously about the Ninja Industry in ones Colorado Holdfast, and as this is such an important component in the work Evil does, it does regularly require care and attention to support. Evil Masterminds from across the world, find in this world economic downturn many advantages to investing in the services of domestic Ninjas, and Colorado produces the finest Ninjas outside of Japan.
Here are only a few of the (above board) Ninja Factories Colorado is proud to have produced;
Kaizen Martial Arts
Kashiwa Bujinkan Ninjutsu
As one is recognized by the three primary Ninja clans as “Daimyo Malignance” one cultivates and maintains with the Ninja community a pact, which from time to time must be amended. This is one such time, and so one will be taking a small vacation from Online Evil, to pursue a strategic leveraging based on recent Invisible Colorado Ninja Empire events.
While it wasn’t in the news, the three great clans in ones Holdfast (Shinobi, Koga, and Iga) recently engaged in a ruthless Ninja war which raged for weeks through downtown Denver, and through many offices, parks, and streets. Because of the stealthy, secretive, and mind controlling techniques of the Ninjas, most if not all people were entirely unaware of the terrible body count resulting from this three way war. Legends tell us that well trained Ninjas of such high quality as those created in the Colorado Holdfast (Colorado Ninjas – your number one domestic choice for stealthy operations!) naturally turn into smoke when they expire, and this may also have contributed to the brutal Colorado Ninja war remaining unreported.
However, with the temporary decline in Ninja power, one is seizing the opportunity to renegotiate the current pact with the clans – while they are being squeezed by Yakuza interests (some money always flows back to Japan in some kind of Ninja franchising deal one has never understood) and attempts by Wyoming’s Wasteland Pirates (natural enemies of Ninjas) to extend their sovereignty into ones Holdfast.
Funny story about dealing with different crime gangs:
With La Cosa Nostra, you meet with the Caporegime in a "sit down" he tells you how much he wants, you put it in an envelope (you can call it money or whatever you want), and you hand him the envelope.
With the Clans, you meet each Shogun for lunch. Beforehand, underlings you must first meet with, will hint at a financial range that would demonstrate proper respect. On the day of the meeting, you will small talk for quite some time – and never speak of business. Then you will have lunch, and during lunch a “shimobe” will become known to you. To this person, discreetly, you will slip the envelope, hidden from view of all others (You must never refer to it as “money” or “payment”). Soon after, the Shimobe will approach the Shogun, and whisper in his (or in the case of Shinobe "her") ear.
At this point, should your “offering” be found worthy, you will be invited to a round of golf (you can never allow yourself to win), or to wander the garden and speak business as do old friends.
Should your offering be found unworthy, the Shogun will demonstrate a displeasure with the meal, feigning a dislike for something he/she has eaten. The lunch will conclude, and you will be allowed to leave. You may then expect Ninja reprisals, which usually are demonstrative of the Shogun’s displeasure. This is called “Negotiation”. If you can trap and wound a Ninja, and produce a body to the Shogun, you may feign besmirched honor, and the Shogun will be honor bound to accept your terms.
The trick is: Ninjas can’t stay off your roof. Put a bear trap up there, and check it in the morning, and you’ll have captured at least one Ninja in a matter of days.
Three clans over 5 days, and possible Ninja reprisals over the following week, and one should be in a better leveraged position with the Invisible Colorado Ninja Empire by early the week after next.
Should somehow, a Ninja get me, one leaves the Holdfast to Villainy, to protect from the designs of heroes.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
One has totally ignored the demon over many months until this last week. Since he named oneself as would be responsible for his proposed rampage, one feels obliged now to analyze the events.
As a few have taken a moment to offer sympathy to Krampus since his self induced alcohol fueled bender has subsided, one wanted to offer sympathies to all the innocent people Krampus indicated he would harm. They would have been the real victims of his petulant weakness, and are the ones truly deserving sympathy. Thank Evil someone took ones advice and contacted the authorities and/or Krampus in quick order to attempt to save these people. It appears that as alcohol has the ability to remove inhibitions, Krampus has been afforded the opportunity to see himself for what he truly is: an impotent wretch, lashing out harmlessly at his betters.
Much time and research has gone into determining what was happening inside his ugly tiny mind though, and is interesting for its research, analysis, methods, and means employed. This information follows.
1) Krampus ineffectively attempts to equate his desire to promulgate racism and George Carlin's comedy routines on Free Speech (08.07.09)
2) Origin of Krampus sponsored racism (12.05.09)
3) Lord Malignance responds to Krampus (12.16.09)
4) Krampus attempts to clarify his staggering ignorance (12.23.09)
5) Krampus posts on his blog (08.12.10)
"Krampus goes on holiday, and returns to something that has aggravated him. Any relaxation, any peace hoped to be found has been disturbed. So much so that Krampus is considering something that will change how everyone he knows will view him. Is this the final week of Krampus hosting Creature Feature? Tune in to find out.And if you hold any concerns for yourselves or the well beings of anyone you know that may be on the Naughty list, start filing restraining orders now.102 522 1070 1035 1014 1070 1028 1073”
6) Krampus then posts on the RLSH forum (in a secured channel)
"Ask Lord Malignance. He and his band of ROACH friendly cyberstalkers are going to get someone harmed or worse. And the people here do NOTHING."
"Have you ever experienced a chain of events, individually that seems small, and could be annoying, but easily brushed off? Then imagine all of them happening at once, and the slightest event at the end being the one that breaks the dam. Ask Lord Malignance. You might wish to prepare yourselves to keep someone from being harmed and friendships irrevocably lost."
"It isn't something recent on his blogs, but something that has been going on for months, and he thinks it's hilarious but he picked the wrong week to continue to aggravate me. More will be revealed on the show this week. It needs to be heard. And if you choose to graveyard this, I can understand. Normally I despise being cryptic as well. But is IS important, as this may be the final week some of you may speak with me again."
One received this information from no less than four anonymous sources (though a certain ghostly henchman in ones employ was invaluable and wants to be paid handsomely for this information. Mercenary!).
7) From here Agent Beryllium did some cerebral work to produce her blog, with an analysis of the numbers. Her skill and ability has produced a superior work, and is worth a look or three (08.12.10)
8) One posts this response to preflak the ER visits and swat teams (08.13.10)
9) Krampus apologizes on his blog with text; (08.13.10)
"Ladies and gentlemen, have you ever imbibed or ingested something while in a party or holiday setting, acting or reacting a certain way that made perfectly good sense at the time, only to finally awaken from the stupor, looking back in embarrassment and shaking your head?
'Twould appear that the man behind the Krampus enjoyed the holiday with unexpected results. A pleasant trip to Hell was enjoyed. And by Hell, I mean the city in Jamaica. Wonderful Jerk Chicken and rum there. And while temptation or availability to substances deemed illicit in the states could be had there, Krampus did not imbibe them. Nay, what happened instead was completely over the counter, with reactions in Krampus' system that were unexpected. I'll not tell you the exact recipe so as not to have naysayers insisting that I encouraged such things, but pain medication for swollen hooves and hangovers coupled with sleep medications apparently effect Krampus in bizarre ways. None the least of which for the side-effects were anxiousness, aggression and dizzyness. And here I thought the woman sticking her tongue in my ear at the pool had instigated an ear infection.
One of the worst reactions was an amplification of any and all things that would be minor annoyances at best, easily shaken off and ignored. However, the combination within my bloodstream pumped by my dark heart had apparently turned my temper into a giant tongue, and every perceived slight into hot sauce with at least 400,000 Scoville Units. Under usual conditions, Krampus could easily shrug off such slights with a joke or curse, then go about his merry day. But for a reason not perceived nor deduced immediately, Krampus didn't pick up right away what could have been causing this sensitivity. Needless to say, the smallest of negative impulses hurled in my direction or contact from those that I've been less than pleasant with in the past were suddenly amplified, not passing away, but lingering. This started to put ol' Krampus into a foul mind-set that was NOT pleasant. In fact, it was rekindling some darker, far more aggressive thoughts and feelings to counteract the perceived threats.
'Twas bad enough someone decided to take advantage of the generosity of Krampus during the holiday, oh no. Every little slight, every unkind word, gesture, action and ache seemed to snowball into each other. My return home was not as pleasant as one would have wished or expected, what with being alerted to the bastard Krampus Fabio who's been silently stalking me online, the reaching out from one whom was considered a rival at one time as a perceived trick or threat, and finally the straw which made me wish to snap someone's appendages was the continued and accelerated stalking of my definitions on Urban Dictionary. For months since my first offering to its linguistic collection, someone, more than one in order to achieve such numbers apparently, has been repeatedly giving my definitions Thumbs Down simply due to my being its author. It's anonymous, although given the most vocal opponent I've had to my inclusions of words, I had a good idea as to who was doing it. Normally, this is a pittance. Gnats trying to do something, anything to attempt to annoy me. Silly, stupid and pointless, I know. But the problem became that with the lingering negativity, the feeling of constant feeling of someone, anyone trying to rouse my temper and the cacophony of stimulation, my mind wandered into darker, dangerous territory.
Thanks to the aid of good friends contacting me directly. I was able to have my cognitive processes reminded of who I am. Thank you for that by the way. As I returned, I had stopped taking part of the concoction that had put me on edge, so I started to slowly come out of the stupor. But for a short time this week, I was so enraged, it seemed like a perfectly good and testicularly driven idea to declare to the RLSH and RLSV communities that until someone takes their actions to the next level and does something boisterous to garner attention, good or bad, then the attention the communities deserve would never be garnered by the rest of the world. So fuck it, perhaps Krampus would be that sacrificial lamb. Krampus IS part goat after all. So it seemed like an interesting idea at the time to resign from Creature Feature, withdraw from the communities publicly, then go on a road trip performing something foolish, dangerous, possibly illegal, then to throw accelerant on my flickering candle, kill myself.
Oh, I feel embarrassed. And on the plus side, I'm feeling much better now.
So what did we learn from this, folks? Even if they're legal and readily available, be mindful of your reactions with more than one medication you may ingest. To those I may have disturbed with my unusually cryptic and paranoid posts, you have my apologies. I hate cryptic messages myself, and normally am much more direct. But honestly, I didn't know how I was going to react until the show aired. Who knows what bridges may have been burned, what hell and havoc I'd have unleashed just because of a heightened aggression due to legal cocktails in my system. I've stopped taking these meds and will be more mindful in the future.
And as for Lord Malignance, ROACH and whoever else wishes to chime in on a negative tone, keep this in mind: despite all the shit, the attention grabbing, the attempt to be truly ridiculous assholes trying to find a weak spot in my think skin, it took me fucking up myself to consider anything spoken or uttered with fingers and thumbs by you to even come close to annoying me. I had to help you all just to give your pathetic attempts to rile me a chance. And now that my blood is no longer mixing suicidally rage charged martinis, back to business as usual. Here I was, just waiting for you to say something to set me off! One word, one gesture, something to trigger a volatile and final reaction out of the loudest thorn in your sides. One that would probably end me once and for all, the chance to have so-called super villains a way to earn a body count in the real world. Ah well. Eat a hair covered dick losers.
And for those that don't believe my tale, it is the truth. I'm attempting to explain my unusual actions as of late and attempt to make amends with those my actions may have harmed, and move on. But if you persist, if you insist on focusing on a negative outburst as the total sum of my opinion of me, then it is unfortunate. Should you persist, then go fuck yourselves, I neither require nor desire your presence in my existence.
Now what do I take for headaches?"
(One could never insult Krampus as well as his own words do)
10) One determines that this appears to have been yet again, Krampus’s own fault. (08.13.10)
11) Creature Features (08.14.10)
With highlights noted with Time Indexes;
15:06 Mystified new caller (not a member of Skiffytown) "Will James" area code 972 asks Krampus "Do you think the Internet is out to get you?"
11:12 Krampus describes his racist attempts to sell bigotry as "Increase the English language, to turn something negative into something positive".
11:50 "Stupid, possibly illegal things ...Going out in a blaze of glory... suddenly started to seem like a good reason".
12:18 "Ask Lord Malignance"
12) This post you are reading and ones following reactions;
If eliminating 400 years of American racism could be accomplished on a blog no one reads by simply repurposing a racist term, it would be a Christmas Miracle. Unfortunately, Krampus is the anti intellectual Santa, and this won’t work.
A simple field test will suffice: Take your portmanteau (mashed together word created from two (or more) words “Super Hero + the n-word”) and start using it. See who else reacts. Start posting in the RLSH.net! Take it into the real world, and please, please, please, film it – one could use the entertainment. Can you imagine the youtube goldmine?
Krampus quote; “what with being alerted to the bastard Krampus Fabio who's been silently stalking me online”.
Even one is lost now. Krampus has a Krampus (Fabio) stalker?!? Isn’t that recursive?
The only (and Krampus claims it is silent, so he may have better information) time one has seen Krampus Fabio (in memory) was on the Malgnopalooza post where he posted;
"Krampus Fabio said...
Congratulations on a tremendous run. No one beats that Krampus behind as hard as I do (WHAT HAPPENS ON CHRISTMAS STAYS ON CHRISTMAS!) but you come in as a distant second. Fruity-dooty-doooo!
One will not question what two consenting cryptids do in the boudoir to each other, but wonders what “Fruity-dooty-doooo!” means. Don’t tell the Arch Angel Metatron!
He won’t approve.
Friday, August 13, 2010
One has been purusing the net, looking for clues as to Krampus's latest mental break with reality, (ones response is the previous post) and found this gem.
It's probably true that Krampus will blame one for this too, but one has broad shoulders, and is Evil - so, ok!
But it truly is hilarious from top to bottom. And of course it celebrates the hilarity of superheroes.
How much unlimited Evil can one MetaVillain create?
One has been catching up on work around the Lair (no success in the lab) and became aware of an issue involving the demon. Yes, it appears Krampus has been ignored too long, and now wants some attention. From the post on his blog, it appears that he's quite convinced, no one is listening to his blogtalk radio show. And no wonder! Since Executrix left, it's devolved into (and one really doesn't listen either, so this is conjecture) Krampus whining about his miserable, worthless life, and his frequent forays into homoerotica.
One is fine with this (as you can imagine). However, there is his quote that has drawn attention, and just to cover bases, one takes a moment to address that now;
"And if you hold any concerns for yourselves or the well beings of anyone you know that may be on the Naughty list, start filing restraining orders now. 102 522 1070 1035 1014 1070 1028 1073"
The threat to harm others is, and always has been unacceptable. If it's to be taken as parody, you must clue your audience in on the joke. At first one thought the numbers were street addresses of people you were going to go out and hurt!
This of course leads one to feel sympathy for you Krampus and a genuine concern for your safety.
One can imagine perhaps, just a small fraction of the pain you must feel, being trapped living a lie, as you do. You can come out of the closet. These are not times past - you would be made to feel normal, as you should - as you can. You don't have to bear the loneliness that hurts you so very, very much.
As to these other, lurid desires of yours to harm others, you embarrass your heroic masters. What would DC's Guardian say (other than quoting Captain America comic books)? Yes, you claim to be a "Krampus", a demon who hunts down, judges, and punishes small children. Seperate yourself from this persona before your tortured mental illness stemming from your repressed sexual desires drives you over the edge! You don't have to go out and hurt or kill any (more?) children. Stop the cycle now!
One sincerly hopes you get the mental health treatment you are crying out for. If anyone reading this blog knows Krampus personally (you have ones sympathies), please - before it's too late, get him the care he needs. He thought to call the FBI for a concern over "Zombie Gas". By his own standards, how can heroes do less for him now, now that he's telling everyone he's planning to go out and rape, murder, and hurt, small children. All he asks for ransom is that you pay attention to him, so that his lonliness goes away for even just a moment, and he doesn't need to go out and murder, eat, rape small children. And animals.
The world doesn't need one more pathetic, sad, depressing, cry for help unanswered.
Funny story seems to be developing here; It appears his issue, and all his faux outrage, is yet again, a concern of his own making. In laymans terms to our hero readers; "It's his own fault".
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
A movie about people putting on costumes and fighting crime came out. It was called "Kick Ass". A little later, another movie came out, extolling the Awesomeness of being a Villain. It was called "Despicable Me", and is still in the theatres, delighting millions. A contest of philosophies you think?
But no, it has been no contest. For Villainy Rules, and superheroes suck.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
While Villainy has stooped to notice the RLSH, other possibly far more deserving hero groups have been coasting by unscathed. Yes, they are unworthy also, but aren't they all? It appears the New World Villains (in deference to our northernmost members) must demonstrate Colonial Innovation to our European cousins.
While the RLSH, poor deluded creatures that they are, have dangled tantalizingly in the peril of our malevolence, there are those other superhero groups; The Heroes Network (home to ones hated ArchNemesis), and the premier bottom feeders, the World Society of Justice. This last group, home of The Kesh (and also Motormouth?), appears to be more entertaining, but also possibly more dangerous.
This new temptation prompts one to pause. In the previously described Bronze Age of Villainy, we would have raced over there to torment and beat them like hereos deserve. However, this is the new Silver Age of Villainy, where Creative Purposes, Community Building, and the Joy of Being Evil, hold equal value with ones beloved Hero Beating.
While ones first instinct as a Villain is to burn their groups down to the ground around them, to pursue this purpose might prove an unwanted distraction to the rest of Villainy. As you may have observed, it is prudent to avoid displeasing Villains.
So, World Society of Justice, the Heroes Network (doomed home of ones hated ArchNemesis), and RLSH - you have a small repreive from ones exuberance. For now...
..but one will be watching.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
A new year, and one is taking a small vacation, however... one became aware of an interesting story and wanted to share it with you. The Artist Formerly Known as the White Skull, has the discovery on his page here.
The Real Life Super Hero Kesh: Mastermind of RLSH has a video below. His youtube ID TheKesh707 may refer to the area code in Northern California. He's apparently pulled down quite a few videos he has put up previously, but this one is fun because it is delicious for the purposes of Villainy. Not ten seconds into his video, he proudly displays his weapons, one assumes his "tools of the trade", and they include two guns, knives, a sword and possibly a bow.
He ends his video with a demonstration, one assumes, of what he wishes to do to any people he assumes are "evil doers". Without any due process or criminal justice training (evidenced by his very stupid purpose), or legal authority, he reminds all people who may encounter him, they need to escalate their aresenal to survive his meeting.
Now, working the opposite side of the fence of justice, one may not be terribly familiar with community watch programs, but feels quite sure that vigilantes should not be sneaking around dressed as ninjas (Ninjas!) and shooting at people. If you are dressed as a Super Hero, looking for crime, and attempt to control behavior through the inflicting of terror by the brandishment of weapons or by your frightening masked appearance, your tyranny will be resisted by law abiding citizens.
Of course, concern for inflicting terror, has never stopped a Real Life Super Hero - though there are worthy exceptions.
And for any vermin out there, you will note that his proud brandishing of weapons appears not as reaction to Villains, but yet again, as a response to the activities of the Real Life Super Heroes (RLSH).
One states again, Villainy does not condone violence, or harm to others. We are capable of enslaving humanity, and ruling the world through more sinister means. Villainy states this, and abides by this convenant. Will the heroes be heroic and do the same? No, they will not, to their continued shame. Because of this, innocent people remain in danger tonight.
Villainy - it's not just fulfilling - sometimes it's patriotic!
Sunday, August 1, 2010
A year of punishing heroes!
Most Recently Zetaman, Master Legend: Greatest RLSH and Tothian: Leader of RLSH (low hanging fruit), Thunderspawn the Destroyer, and others as it amused one to do so.
A year of humiliating trolls!
If you mention their names, they feel a sliver of justification, and one enjoys their silent tears as they weep for absent acknowledgement.
A year of unsuccessfully (so far) overthrowing the Potentate in a sinister coup!
A year of carrying a torch for the Baroness!
(Seriously. Cobra Commander? Bah!)
Ghost of Nixon, Bob, and the Rats have moved on.
A year of development, but no firm successes in the Lab!
A year of dominating the RLSH in general!
A year of attempting to eliminate ones hated ArchNemesis Phantom Zero!
A year of secret projects, and sinister machinations!
A year of basking in the joy of meeting so many talented and wonderful Villains!
Mac and your crowd at Go, Go, Maligno!
First Church of Malignism > Cult of Legend.
So on this, our first Malignopalooza, one raises a glass of cognac to you and wishes you all a happy day (it's quite late now) and an Evil year looking forward.