So you wanna be a Super Villain
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by MrTechno1ogy on Mar 07 2011, 06:00AM
What's the difference between a public nuisance and a Super Villain?
If you answered Having a time-line somewhat similar to this:
Birth → Orphaned → Become scientific genius at age 15 → Get expelled from school for doing your own experiments → Accidentally burn face off → Live in cave & devote life to wreaking havoc.
Then I would have to give you some points for trying. But if your answer revolved around the sweet gadgets you own and a penchant for doing hoodrat stuff, I would jump up and yell, "DING DING DING!! WE HAVE A WINNER!!", then you would shoot me with your ray gun and that would be the end of this blog.
*cue tumbleweeds*
But alas, you don't, so I shall dribble on some more...
What I'm trying to get at is that with the right mindset, the ability to use a sewing machine, a hefty bank balance - oh, and probably most importantly, an arch nemesis - anyone can become a Super Villain. Here are five of the best gadgets out there to help you on your gloomy, destructive way. ON WITH THE TECHNO1OGY!!
Villain ChairFirst and foremost, let's get the decor of your dwelling sorted out. You can't be scheming plots on one of your mum's dining room chairs - it really upsets your staunchness when she tells you she needs her chair back because the Johnson's are coming over for dinner. That is why the Villain Chair, made by Suck UK is an absolute necessity for those days at home when you are plotting to block out the sun or blow up the moon or whatever it is you do.
Paintball Robot
The Paintball Robot, made by Chris Rogers, is perfect if you are just an apprentice Super Villain and you've got some beef with that kid at school who stole your scissors or something. Simply rock up to his/her house with this dude and blast all sense out of them. Who knows? You may even do enough damage to their psyche that they become one of your loyal minions years later. And remember kids - MINIONS ARE ULTRA HANDY! They'll even wipe your arse if you treat them mean enough!
A Digital Escape Face Mask
Another essential item to truly plant terror in the hearts of men is a face mask. I'm not talking about a Slipnot type mask either - you don't want to look like a creep who's Daddy didn't give him enough love now, do you? No, you want something that is equal parts scary AND functional. This Digital Escape face mask is still in development, but is a perfect partner to that leather costume you've made for yourself with the awesome logo stitched onto the chest. Sure, it might look like an alien from the future who is raping your face, but shit, it looks scary, plus the mask imitates smells, sounds, even air quality to create a full sensory experience, which is perfect for those days when your Arch Nemesis is kicking your arse.
Swordcane
All these gadgets are well and good if you're down with the techno1ogical train of thought, but what if you are the purist sort of Super Villain that craves the oldskool and reveres characters like little Alex from Clockwork Orange?? FEAR NOT FRIEND, UNLIKE THE REST OF SOCIETY, I HAVE NOT FORSAKEN THEE! This Swordcane will match your dapper bowlers hat no end and will come off as quite the surprise for your enemies when they feel the cold steel enter their skin! HUZZAH! FUN FOR ALL!! Check the image gallery for more Swordcane delights.
Wearable MotorcycleEvery Super Villain needs a getaway mobile for when plots sometimes don't go to plan. DAMN PESKY PLOTS AND THEIR GOOD-FOR-NUTTIN NOT GOING TO PLANS-NESS! But you can't be dressed to the nines in your evil costume, then go jump in your sister's Hyundai Excel with the dent in the boot from when she backed into a brick wall now, can you?? NO. Thank God for Yamaha for developing this Wearable Motorcycle. Sure it looks unpractical. Sure it looks uncomfortable. But you know what it doesn't look like? YOUR SISTER'S HYUNDAI EXCEL.
Now strap yourself in to that motorcycle, because that nuclear bomb that you attached to your arch nemesis' girlfriend is about to obliterate the city AND you've still got to swing past Coles on the way home and get some cheese for tonight's lasagne. The work of a Super Villain is never done.
After you cook your lasagne however, why not follow me on Twitter? It's fun, plus I can tell you the exact location of any superhero in the world - it's a special gift I have.
If you answered Having a time-line somewhat similar to this:
Birth → Orphaned → Become scientific genius at age 15 → Get expelled from school for doing your own experiments → Accidentally burn face off → Live in cave & devote life to wreaking havoc.
Then I would have to give you some points for trying. But if your answer revolved around the sweet gadgets you own and a penchant for doing hoodrat stuff, I would jump up and yell, "DING DING DING!! WE HAVE A WINNER!!", then you would shoot me with your ray gun and that would be the end of this blog.
*cue tumbleweeds*
But alas, you don't, so I shall dribble on some more...
What I'm trying to get at is that with the right mindset, the ability to use a sewing machine, a hefty bank balance - oh, and probably most importantly, an arch nemesis - anyone can become a Super Villain. Here are five of the best gadgets out there to help you on your gloomy, destructive way. ON WITH THE TECHNO1OGY!!
Villain ChairFirst and foremost, let's get the decor of your dwelling sorted out. You can't be scheming plots on one of your mum's dining room chairs - it really upsets your staunchness when she tells you she needs her chair back because the Johnson's are coming over for dinner. That is why the Villain Chair, made by Suck UK is an absolute necessity for those days at home when you are plotting to block out the sun or blow up the moon or whatever it is you do.
Paintball Robot
The Paintball Robot, made by Chris Rogers, is perfect if you are just an apprentice Super Villain and you've got some beef with that kid at school who stole your scissors or something. Simply rock up to his/her house with this dude and blast all sense out of them. Who knows? You may even do enough damage to their psyche that they become one of your loyal minions years later. And remember kids - MINIONS ARE ULTRA HANDY! They'll even wipe your arse if you treat them mean enough!
A Digital Escape Face Mask
Another essential item to truly plant terror in the hearts of men is a face mask. I'm not talking about a Slipnot type mask either - you don't want to look like a creep who's Daddy didn't give him enough love now, do you? No, you want something that is equal parts scary AND functional. This Digital Escape face mask is still in development, but is a perfect partner to that leather costume you've made for yourself with the awesome logo stitched onto the chest. Sure, it might look like an alien from the future who is raping your face, but shit, it looks scary, plus the mask imitates smells, sounds, even air quality to create a full sensory experience, which is perfect for those days when your Arch Nemesis is kicking your arse.
Swordcane
All these gadgets are well and good if you're down with the techno1ogical train of thought, but what if you are the purist sort of Super Villain that craves the oldskool and reveres characters like little Alex from Clockwork Orange?? FEAR NOT FRIEND, UNLIKE THE REST OF SOCIETY, I HAVE NOT FORSAKEN THEE! This Swordcane will match your dapper bowlers hat no end and will come off as quite the surprise for your enemies when they feel the cold steel enter their skin! HUZZAH! FUN FOR ALL!! Check the image gallery for more Swordcane delights.
Wearable MotorcycleEvery Super Villain needs a getaway mobile for when plots sometimes don't go to plan. DAMN PESKY PLOTS AND THEIR GOOD-FOR-NUTTIN NOT GOING TO PLANS-NESS! But you can't be dressed to the nines in your evil costume, then go jump in your sister's Hyundai Excel with the dent in the boot from when she backed into a brick wall now, can you?? NO. Thank God for Yamaha for developing this Wearable Motorcycle. Sure it looks unpractical. Sure it looks uncomfortable. But you know what it doesn't look like? YOUR SISTER'S HYUNDAI EXCEL.
Now strap yourself in to that motorcycle, because that nuclear bomb that you attached to your arch nemesis' girlfriend is about to obliterate the city AND you've still got to swing past Coles on the way home and get some cheese for tonight's lasagne. The work of a Super Villain is never done.
After you cook your lasagne however, why not follow me on Twitter? It's fun, plus I can tell you the exact location of any superhero in the world - it's a special gift I have.
Shameless Screen Grab courtesy of The Vine
Blogpost 400, 100 more posts and 30 days till Malignopalooza. Overlord Gates would approve.
-Lord Malignance
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