What IS it about Seattle and Superheroes?!

The Seattle Real Life Super Hero Pub Crawl

Submitted by Rich Johnston on March 1, 2011 – 6:00 am 

This Saturday, Ballad in Seattle saw the local Real Life Super Hero community meet upo for drinks. I’ll let you decide which are the actual crime fighters, which hand out food to the homeless and which just decided they wanted an excuse for a drink up.

“That’s right! I am a crusader! Have you seen any muslims round here? The sword, no, no it’s fixed in the scabbard. Shame really. Are you sure you haven’t seen any muslims?”

“Cowards are a superstitious and cowardly lot. I shall become something out of In The Night Garden.”

“I hold the balls of crime in my hand. And I will crush them!”

“Homoerotic? No I don’t think there’s any danger of that, why do you ask?”

“My cape deflects bullets! No really, but who would want to shoot me anyway?”

“I’m not even trying.”

“I told you it wasn’t homo erotic!”

“Count my teeth! I could be in a Liefeld comic!”

“No I am not Brian Bendis, how dare you suggest such a think. Look don’t tell anyone okay, and I’ll buy  you a beer.”

“Just because you fight crime, there’s no reason to dress down.”

“We’re not trying that much either.”

“No I am not Jen Grunwald, and if you tell anyone, I’ll kick you in the balls.”

“If your name’s not on the door, you’re not coming in.”

“What the fuck am I doing with these jokers???”
Via Seattle Weekly.

Shameless Screen Grab courtesy of Bleeding Cool


The article treats all superheroes depicted equally - the clowns and the pretend serious clowns. It must be because realistically, people can't tell Party Clown superheroes, from Handout superheroes, from shocking aberrations calling themselves ArchAngels, from the Playtime Batmen Vigilantes who want to intimidate and hurt people, and from the superheroes who carry firearms. They're all indistinguishable from each other. In fact the game presented is to guess which is which. Guess wrong, and you might become their next victim.


At least if they're getting wasted while in costume - being the "symbol" they always claim they are, then they're not out hurting innocent (until proven guilty in a court of law) citizens.


So drink up superheroes, stagger around and embarrass yourself and everyone else of you who wear a costume, and leave honest, innocent citizens alone.


And what IS it about Seattle that spawns and nurtures these unpleasant weirdos? The Coffee? Estrogen in the seawater? The Grunge? Is that still even there anymore? The Seabirds? Microsoft? Why  is there such a blight of puny hairless manchildren that opt to to pursue Jerry Springer style "Freak of the Week" celebrity? And yes, One wears a helmet - but has long since purged the Colorado Holdfast of the few heroes who had despoiled the society like the insects they were.


Heh, heh, heh. Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Sorry.


Even the states surrounding Colorado* have been purged of the infestation of heroes, so what IS it about the coastal cities? Unemployment? Some societal pressure to leotard up and prance around? Prevalent drug abuse? Less adequate education standards? It Must be the estrogen in the water supply. One thinks it must be low self esteem. Why else would they debase themselves in this humiliating manner? To make themselves the laughing stock of the world as they do?


The Scientific Method!
1) Question: Why are there more witless superheroes on the coasts/Seattle?
2) Background Research: This Blog!
3) Hypothesis: Estrogen in drinking water and second hand exposure to legal and illegal pharmaceuticals  consumed in coffee turns some children into low performing semi human troglodytes who due to physical, moral, and significant mental deficiencies fall into the kindergarten fantasy of wanting to play superhero - into adulthood.
4) Test the Hypothesis: One would suggest removing a superhero from environmental influences - see if almost normal brain functions return. Simple tests as might be used on animals should be sufficient. A large enough maze with some kind of reward for completion.
5) Analyze Data: Compile and compare collected results against control subjects.
6) Communicate your results: This blog.


So, are there any superheroes in Seattle (and One knows you read this blog), who want to reduce or eliminate their exposure to drinking water, mind numbing superhero cartoons, and illegal drugs? For 30-90 days? Please inquire in comments if you would be interested in participating in this experiment.


-Lord Malignance
* Except for Utah, but the Black Monday Society IS falling apart as their leader has opted to flee.